ABUSE

I just finished a nutritious, delicious meal outside on my porch which consisted of steak, spinish with garlic and a salad.  The Florida night breeze with the tree right next to my porch and the sounds of crickets put me at a sense of calm and ease.  I felt grateful without words to express.  I was reflecting as usual.  I just got back from National Guard training and on more than one occasion a few people asked why I was to myself.  I did explain that I am somewhat reserved but I welcome the experience to become more involved with others, especially since I live alone.  I realize that there is nothing wrong with my personality, but it's almost like being with almost everyone who loves Rap, and I am the few that loves Country.  If most people in my unit were my personality type, we can identify and understand eachother.  However that leaves me questioning, am I introverted now by personality, yes I love solitude, but am I missing out, am I holding back because I was abused, bullied and supressed myself for so long?  I know it has had an effect on me, no doubt but I see it as a challenge to overcome, to accept, to not be so hard on myself with.  Without words, I communicate with my inner self, that inner child and I feel compassion for her.  She was so beaten emotionally, physically, mentally and verbally and beleive it or not it was the words that hurt the most.  It's true when you are at the mercy of those who care for you, you really are cornered and alone.  The part that kills me is that even in my twenties I was still abused - I was still part of the same dysfunction that I was in when I was living with my family.  I was so conditioned to it that although I felt great dispair when it occured, I would put it in the back of my mind and truck on.  I would continue to forgive, but really it wasn't forgiveness, I supressed and denied how terrible it was, how much my abuser did not deserve me in their life.  One occurance that I remember was when my Dad took me to get my car insurance in Melville.  I met him at the train station.   When I told him that I needed to stop to get money, I pointed at an ATM machine which had my Bank lable on it and said, there is a Bank.  He exploded and yelled, that's not a Bank, it's an ATM, I never heard anyone call it that, how could you be so stupid! There was another incident when he picked me up from the train station so this way I could attend my cousin Micheles wedding.  He exploded on me, he totured me verbally and emotionally, I was brought to tears.  But to this day, he will deny the abuse, he won't admit it and he will point fingers at me.  That is why I decided to severe ties with him and have been cut contact for the past five years or more.   Slowely I am gaining a sense of a healthy identity, where I don't depend on, or relate with people abusing and putting me down as much as I maybe expected in the past.  I have asserted myself more than once when someone spoke to me in a disrespectful way and although I felt a deep sense of despair, I fought through it to speak up.  I remember during my training that just passed one of the Sgts in a nasty way called me out because I was letting everyone go ahead of me, but really he was mad because someone went ahead of him and he wanted someone to blame it on.  I couldn't control the fact that I went into tears when I confronted him and he didn't honor my feelings, he was a crude jerk.  I went into the latrine and gave myself a pep, love talk.  I told myself that I had no respect for him, he isn't worth being sad over and he has no power over me.  I found myself being able to dry my tears and now when I am in his presence, I don't feel anything bad or good.  I could imagine my little girl being tramatized and bewildered over the lack of emotional support and love that I needed.  I now know that I can